Now, we start off as each of the main girls pulls up to the supermegafoxyawesomehot Rock. Each one of them has their own parking space, and each one of them is color coded, of course. You think I'm joking when I say this: I'm not. Every leo throughout the whole episode has Lauren in orange, Payson in purple, and Kaylie in pink. Emily does not follow this trend, however, and is original. For once.
We enter the Rock, and get a beautiful montage of people TRAINING. Aren't the elite girls supposed to train MORE than the Level 8s? No? I guess not, since there are people up on that beam giving us beauties like this:
Good lord, child. She also appears to be wearing a thong.
Payson, Lauren and Kaylie start warming up while everyone else has been at the gym for what seems like forever. Cassie Scerbo (who plays Lauren) attempts to give us a flexibility bomb with a gorgeous seal stretch.
Nice try. Payson joins her, and is too engrossed in her super difficult exercises to notice that some girls want her autograph.
She has some fuckhuge thighs there, and does she intend to wear that jacket all day? No matter, because the little girls (the one on the left needs a better leo) successfully procure her autograph, and the three girls are left in peace to discuss Nationals.
Of course, one cannot be a senior for more than three years, because it is out of the norm for Kaylie to be able to "squeeze another Nationals out of her." Isn't this like 2009? How does she expect to go to the Olympics? Perhaps it's their last JUNIOR Nationals, but I find it incredibly hard to believe that any of them are sixteen, let alone fourteen or fifteen.
The girls line up for Marty to explain that only a certain number of girls can go to Nationals. The top three will go as their "top flight." I don't understand this at all. Does MIOBI grasp the concept that Nationals is not a team competition?
Then comes our first sight of Miss Emily Kmetko.
She looks mad, probably because it is cold enough outside for us to see her breath, yet she is for some reason wearing short sleeves. Either way, she goes into the gym and starts tumbling some super difficult passes, like whips into a-gasp-back tuck! That will certainly get her to the Olympics.
Such a beautiful landing! Also, she appears to be landing onto the uneven bars mats, and there is some random shit on those mats with her. Lauren inquires WHO THE HELL that could be, and with that, we cut into the title sequence.
I was too lazy to screencap the title sequence, but rest assured it is not pretty and there is a vaulting table that is about 40000 feet too low.
We discover that Emily is a scholarship kid, who was found on a playground. That's probably why she never learned how to do anything better than a back tuck. Coach Marty explains this to the girls, and Lauren wonders whether or not Emily will be training with them now.
No, bitch, she was just tumbling across your gym because she felt like it. Marty explains that Emily will be training with Kaylie, Lauren and Payson (but no coach?!?) that day. Lauren checks out Kaylie while Payson is all cool and nice. Kaylie makes a triangle with her arm.
Lauren makes fun of Emily for still having NCAA eligibility, and decides that she must scare Emily off, and therefore hops up on that beam. The routine consists of some back handsprings and a weird dive to handstand that I don't know the name of. Emily is super impressed with Lauren's difficult dismount, a back tuck.
How difficult! And look at that form! That's why Lauren's named Queen of the Beam, everyone.
We cut to the three HBICs chillaxing in the bathroom, where we get the only reference ever to the fact that Lauren is bulimic. They all bitch and whine about their bodies, and Payson is STILL wearing that fugly purple jacket.
Back in the gym, Lauren and Kaylie work out on the pommel horse, and Lauren figures out that Emily is scared of the vault.
Her legs are really shiny. Anyway, Lauren wants to 'ice Emily out' at least until the top flight is decided. I have no idea why ANYONE FUCKING CARES about this 'top flight' thing. Emily comes over and is all chill and asks Lauren and Kaylie if they want to vault, but they'd rather keep working out on the pommel horse. Screw the GUYS who might want to use it.
Emily is working out on bars and does some crazy skills like - a laid out flyaway!- That's some Nastia right there. Marty tells her that she's doing great, and explains that her mother will need to be there for practice every single day ever, because the family must be involved in the gym. Having a job doesn't matter! And I guess her mom will just have to get rid of Brian, Emily's brother. Because watching Emily do flyaways is much more important. Marty also adds that there is a NO DATING rule (????) in place at the gym.
At the end of workout (isn't it like 4 pm? Whut?) Lauren's dad shows her that he videotaped her that day.
She looks disgusted, probably because Steve accidentally started playing his porn vids. They go outside, and run into Summer of the Very High Eyebrows, who tries to be nice to Lauren and shows her a super expensive necklace that her [dramatic pause] boyfriend bought it for her. Lauren is a total bitch to her, saying that she thought Jesus was her boyfriend. Lauren enters the car, and it's revealed that SCANDAL! Summer of the Very High Eyebrows and Steve are dating!
The Keelers are on their way home, and Payson's mom tries to be nice and tell Payson how awesome she is, but no! Payson must focus. Since the Keeler family is so normal and the household does not revolve around Payson, her mom explains that when they get home, she must do her chores.
Payson's mom is all friendly to Emily and asks if she wants a ride, but Emily declines, saying her mom will be there in a second. However, she ends up walking home and comes across Kaylie and Carter macking it out.
Ew. Like, where the FUCK is the appeal?
I went and bleached my eyes so I missed their conversation, but the next thing I know, Emily is home with her brother, Brian. Although he appears to be perfectly fine other than the fact that he can't walk, he still has to go to Special Ed. Now, I don't live in CO, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it works.
I love that book. I'm pretty sure Brian's like twelve though, so he must be Very Smart.
Chloe apologizes for forgetting about Emily, and decides to make dinner. She does so in 30 seconds. I mean she literally walks into the kitchen, Emily has one line, and she walks back. Why is she not working at a restaurant?
Chloe goes through the list of important things she has to do tomorrow, like MEET WITH SOCIAL SERVICES, but Emily points out that Mom, NATIONAL TRIALS ARE TOMORROW! How could she miss that? Chloe is all nice and says that she will do her best, but she still has to find a job.
No worries, because Emily has already secured a job at the Pizza Shack, and she goes to pick up her uniform that night.
Kaylie and Carter pull up to Kaylie's house, which is apparently right in front of a mountain.
I hope there's not an avalanche. Kaylie and Carter have a conversation in which Kaylie explains that she's not ready to tell her dad that they're dating.
Buttchin Carter thinks this is ridiculous, but agrees to wait. At that exact time, Lauren pulls up to Kaylie's house, and Kaylie and Buttchin Carter jump apart and pretend that Buttchin Carter just wanted to give Kaylie a ride home. Lauren doesn't buy it.
Is she wearing, like, boots and legwarmers? Also, check out the magic that is Make It Or Break It editing. In this take, she is wearing NO Olympic rings necklace. Yet as she gets closer to Kaylie, she is wearing it so that she can show it off.
She gives us some line about Kool-Aid and wigs, and drives off in her car.
Cut to Emily, working at the Pizza Shack. Since she worked at Pizza Shacks in Phoenix and Fresno (???) she is super experienced and therefore is prepared to take over for the night. She has such lovely patrons like a stoned Lauren Zizes (I think the actress is Ashley someone?) who wants an open faced calzone.
After that experience, we meet Emily's co worker, Razor.
I think he's kind of cute, until he opens his mouth and says that he likes singing emo. He asks Emily what she likes to do, and since gymnastics is such a HUGE secret, Emily says that she doesn't do anything.
She looks so much prettier with her hair down. That's probably why Razor (is his name supposed to remind me of a scooter company?) invites her to go hang out with his peeps. Emily says she has a lot to do in the morning, and Razor is understandably confused, considering that Emily's just said that she doesn't do anything.
They realize that OMG THEY ARE BOTH WORKING ON SATURDAY, and resolve to see each other then.
It's the next morning, and Payson's parents (Kim and Mark, apparently. I can't hear the name Kim without thinking of that Kim Yoo Suk picture on Tumblr, which does not bode good things for Payson's mom. Aside) have a discussion about making this their whole lives.
How many fans did they put in this set? Holy shit. Payson's dad's toupee is about to fall off.
OH NO! Emily has overslept (it's 7:15? She has 45 minutes which imho is plenty of time?) and will NEVER make it to trials! Oh, except she does.
The three HBICs do some interesting exercises while Lauren hopes that Emily won't show up.
Kaylie imitates the Statue of David, Payson spreads her legs to the camera, and Lauren shows off her fugly braid. There is a girl doing a nice bridge behind her, though, but I digress.
It's Kaylie's turn on bars, and with a kip and a ginormous double back, she will most certainly make it to the Olympics. Buttchin Carter likes it, though.
Payson's up, and although she's supposed to be the best, she barely outshines Kaylie with a couple giants and a piked double back. How gorgeous.
The only thing I catch of Lauren's routine is her double front dismount. And a stunt double!
Why is the coach so nervous? It's a double front. Also, the guy behind the coach appears to be taking a video of Lauren. Probably to post on Youtube so all the artistry trolls can complain about it.
There is a fugly montage of all three girls doing front handspring stepouts (I don't think that's what you call it) and then we get a gorgeous shot of Emily with Musty legs!
She looks like a mermaid up there.
It's Lauren's turn up on beam, and apparently Daddy Keeler has never seen Lauren compete before. ??? I thought all the parents had to be at the gym every day? Anyway, Mama Keeler says that nobody believes what Lauren can do on 4 inches of wood, and I laugh because I am a pervert.
I'll tell you what Lauren can do on 4 inches of wood. Fall off them. And not just step off. No, nobody faceplants quite like Lauren Tanner.
She also stays there for about five million years, before getting up and doing a dismount. WOW. A queen of the beam with a beautiful BHS-LOSO! Emily goes next, and ends up beating Lauren by three points, probably because Lo's D score was like 3.
Now it's time for vault! Payson does a vault that has never before been done in competition, probably because it's a timer. I'm sure McKayla totally competes timers all the time, because they're so very difficult (btdubs, a timer is a Yurchenko vault without the salto) and not a warmup vault in the slightest.
While Payson is doing this super difficult vault, Marty puts the sheet with the board settings on the beam, and since Lauren is Queen of the Beam, she races up there and changes Emily's settings by six inches.
Now it's time for Lo to vault. Lauren actually has a better vault than Payson, and it;s the first of TWO vaults!
It would be very easy to photoshop this picture. But even though it's the first of two vaults, before Lauren can do her second vault, Emily butts right in there to do her first one. That is, after Marty missets her board.
As a former (Level 6 lol) gymnast, I can tell you that when your board settings have been changed, you NOTICE. It is not like, hey that looks a bit different. It's pretty easy to tell when your board settings are different.
Emily doesn't care, though, and runs off to do the first vault.
There are either bowling balls or bike helmets in that rack behind her, and I'm not sure why either of those would make sense. Doesn't matter though, because neck injury time!
I don't know how she ended up in that position. She went to do a handspring vault, which means she should be facing the other way. Maybe she just wanted to chuck a really ugly tsukahara. I say ugly because her legs. AAH.
Okay, weird legs aside, neck injury D: Emily claims that the wind is juust knocked out of her, though, and wants to continue competing. Marty is a responsible coach, though, and gets her on a stretcher.
Emily and Chloe of the Very Red Lipstick converse in the office. Chloe says that maybe gymnastics wasn't her thing, and Emily gets pissed and is like NO BITCH, GYMNASTICS IS TOTALLY MY THING. And walks out of there to do her second vault.
I do like her necklace, though.
Marty is very confused as to why Emily wants to vault injured, especially since she's 'scared of the vault.'
He says he can't keep her from it, though. LIES. He's the COACH, he TOTALLY CAN. But he lets Emily vault. From behind the beam (gasp!) the three girls, who have already been awarded flowers & medals look on, and Lauren is PISSED.
I guess Payson didn't want her flowers. Anyway, Emily chucks a really ugly tucked tsukahara. She probably gets a 9.1 execution score, Aly-style, and knocks Lo out of the top three by two points.
Nobody, though, is quite as happy as Chloe and her Very Red Lipstick.
I see a resemblance between her and Patrick from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. They're both pretty bitchin' awesome.
Lauren must really suck, but in order to be in the top three, she must sell Kaylie out for a contract violation (??) Kaylie is, quite understandably, pissed, so maybe she should just stop making out with Buttchin Carter. Emily comes to the rescue, though, for no apparent reason other than the fact that she doesn't like Lauren.
Emily says that Kaylie was with her, helping her with homeschool stuff and showing her tests. CHEATER! But Marty buys it and is pissed at Lauren instead.
Everyone happily leaves the Rock, including Buttchin Carter and his very red face.
How the fuck did the makeup team manage to get so much blush on him? It makes him look even grosser, which I thought was impossible.
It's nighttime at the Rock now, and Steve Tanner who is apparently a lawyer (???????) marches into Marty's office, and he is PISSED.
Well, personally I think he looks like a fish, but I'll say he's pissed. He's very pleased with himself, because he hired a private investigator to stalk Emily Kmetko. WHYYY.
Marty has much the same reaction as me, and is creeped out.
Steve explains that while there wasn't much on Emily, he did manage to find something on Marty. SCANDAL! He passes over some pictures, and Marty freaks. Steve says that he wants Marty, Lauren, and some other chicks to go to the Denver Club--and Lo BETTER well be ranked in the top 3 there.
He has really long fingers there. Marty agrees, and Daddy Tanner gets the fuck out of there while he still can.
The next morning, the rest of the club members come in and realize that Marty is gone. Steve grabs a filing cabinet and peaces out of there, while Lauren is a bit more classy, and blames Emily for everything.
Payson gets mad, because of course it's all her fault. She also curses in front of her parents, which I have learned from experience is a bad idea.
Lauren sprints away before Payson comes after her, and turns the lights off for some reason. And we are left with a dark gym and no coach. GASP! Whatever shall we do?
You'll have to wait until next time to find out, and until next time, make sure to stare at those glow-in-the-dark rings the Rock apparently has in that last picture. You won't find those just anywhere!
xxx Emma
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